Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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