He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants