Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
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Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.