My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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