Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.