do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
