the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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