there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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