Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT