I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
How drunk are you??
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.