Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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