She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
