i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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