Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
