I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
