is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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