just tell him i said nine months
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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