I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
