I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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