I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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