I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
