Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
