how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
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I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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