I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
