where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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