So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants