I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
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The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.