There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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