We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
