We named our party play list daddy issues
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
