i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
