the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
