Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂