I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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