After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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