hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
