Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.