My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous