So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
this is an emotional support booty call
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.