Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.