she was so not down for the gang bang
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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