im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
