Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
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He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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