I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
