don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
