the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.