I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
