Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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