Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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