I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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