i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My ass is underappreciated
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.