I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together