i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
