I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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