If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert