He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon