I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
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She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!