im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
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Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?