i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.