I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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