She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
