when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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