so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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